I don't feel its essential that my Prime Minister should be able to play table tennis. But I do feel that if he's incapable of hitting a ping pong ball with a ping pong bat, he should have enough sense not to let himself be filmed doing so. Neither Brynle nor I allow cameras when we go ballet dancing. But I suppose when you believe that you can walk on water, you believe you can do anything. His post match interview may have gone something like;
"The table tennis world is facing an unprecedented global crisis, which started in America. I've been determined to strain every sinew during my 21 hour working day to take personal control of this unprecedented global collapse in ping pong standards. I have invested in a financial stimulus by buying up the entire UK stock of ping pong bats. Through quantative easing we have been able to invest £20 billions to ensure that ping pong tables will be delivered to every school in England over the next three years. And tomorrow, Lord Mandelson will announce a scheme whereby 10,000 ping pong apprenticeships will be available to those who have lost their jobs in the city We are determined to take action to deal with this unprecedented global crisis, which started in America by training 100,000 ping pong instructors. Its a global problem which demands a global response, and I have taken up my bat to lead the world out of this crisis, which started in America. The standard of table tennis is much worse in every country in the Eurozone, in Iceland and also in 53 US states. I have spoken today with my new best buddy, Barak Obama, and we will be putting this issue on the agenda for our fantastic incredible global summit which is to be held in London in April. I can promise you that there will be photographs of Barak and me working on our spin serve. Barak and I are determined to solve this growing global crisis facing table tennis, which began in America, and is nothing whatsoever to do with my great leadership. I have been in touch with every other leader across the world, and all of them agree that my plans that to nationalise ping pong is the way forward, except the pathetic 'do-nothing' Tories. They are only concerned about polo and 'fives'. I am determined to save the world, sorry I mean the ping pong world, with billions of your money, which future generations will have to pay back. But by then I will have joined Tony, touring the world playing exhibition matches, demonstrating the dynamic leadership I showed when leading the world in the great ping pong revival of 2009."